Anxiety

My chest begins to tighten, my face becomes flush, and breathing becomes difficult.  It is happening.  Something I have been struggling with for several years now, anxiety.  Over the years I have learned how to fight off anxiety attacks, but fighting it can sometimes be worse than the actual attack.  I have acquired many tricks to fight off the attacks, such as: breathing exercises, counting to 100 by 2’s, and sometimes resorting to singing I found you Miss New Booty in my head. (That is my favorite)  My first major panic attack was in college, and led to a trip to the emergency room.  Since then, my anxiety as a whole has persistently gotten worse. The past six months even simple things have become difficult, such as: going to the movies or going out to dinner. This has recently gotten me thinking of the causes of my anxiety, and I have come to the realization that most of my anxiety comes from fear.  You might wonder what am I afraid of. I am not talking about my irrational fear of snakes in the toilet bowl.  I am talking about subconscious fears.  The three that play the biggest part in my anxiety are: the fear of failure, the fear of the “unknown”, and the fear of judgment.

The Fear of Failure

I feel that the fear of failure is a common for many people.  Failure is defined differently according to the individual.  I have always defined failure as not reaching my goals and/or not being successful.  There are two problems with my definition of failure: 1). My definition of success was all wrong and 2). Happiness was not one of my goals.  Success, just like failure, is defined differently according to the individual. I have defined success as how much money I make.   I have been told my whole life there is more to life than money, why didn’t I listen? Don’t get me wrong, money is important but it should not be the only factor measuring my success. I want my success to be based on the relationships I make, my self-worth, good deeds, and happiness. Happiness was something I did not plan for in my “big master plan”.  I have been so obsessed with not being a “failure”, I forgot to be happy.

The Fear of the Unknown

I know that sounds strange, so let me explain.  For every decision I make, I ALWAYS second guess myself.  It does not matter how small or how large the decision is, I will doubt myself every time. This can become exhausting.  I am also a planner, for everything I do I want a specific plan and I want everything to go according to that plan. Sometimes I will worry about things that do not happen for months or even years.  For Example: A few months ago, I let my mind wander and started worrying about where I am going to live when my lease is up.  My lease is not even up for another six months and this almost sent me into a panic attack.  When I am always second guessing my decisions and worrying about the future, I forget to live in the present.  I forget to appreciate the small things in life.  I don’t want to look back when I’m older and regret spending my 20s worrying about everything.  I want to live my life.

The Fear of Judgment

This is the hardest one to admit.  At some point in their lives, everyone struggles with self-esteem and self- confidence. Most people want to be liked and accepted by others. I have had people in my life that have put me down and made me feel like nothing.  They used their insecurities as a weapon, to make me feel like I was not good enough.  The bad part is that I let them do it.  I let them get to me and sub-consciously I believed it was true.  So every interaction I have with others, I feel insecure and those same thoughts fill my mind.  I am done being afraid of judgment. I am intelligent, funny, and have a lot to offer to this world and it is about time I showed it.

Now that I better understand the source of my anxiety, I can work to fix it.  I am not going to let anxiety rule my life anymore. I am going to replace the fear of failure with patience.  I am going to let go of the fear of the unknown and live in the present. I am going to replace my insecurities with confidence.  I am going to rid myself of this monster known as anxiety.

Anybody that reads this and is currently struggling with anxiety, just know that you are not alone.  It is hard to talk about and difficult to convey to people how hard it can be sometimes.  We sometimes have to paint on that smile and struggle through it, but that is no way to live life.  The best thing you can do is talk to someone.  I want to thank my friends and family that have helped me through some tough times and I look forward to brighter days.